Saturday, January 30, 2010

Menopausal mood swings twenty years too early.

I really don't know what's wrong with me lately. my moods are so up and down its ridiculous. i had a good day today, mother had the baby, and i got to spend time with sister (something that happens far too seldom) we didn't really do anything but we had fun times as always. Got home to the parents in a bit of a screaming match (nice thing to do while babysitting your grandaughter) but it quickly subsided and things have been calm since. i relaxing night of playing with the baby, and watching tv after she fell asleep. turns into too much time for my brain to think, I have an overactive imagination while having no imagination at all... I don't know how I do it! Scenes play out in my head as if I'm going over a movie I've just seen. Scenes that haven't happened..that won't happen. Not even important things just everyday boring stuff...everyday boring stuff I can't seem to get away from.

I've come to the conclusion that I wish I was a lot of things I'm not..
I wish I was more artistic, and more creative. The difference? I can paint, I have a few hanging on my bedroom wall. I cannot however come up with something to’s something i envy in my best friend. The concepts she comes up with are things I simply cannot do. I'm a copier, its lacking.
I wish I was less go with the flow..the truth is I'm very opinionated and rather open about it, but when it comes down to it I'll simply put it out there, and then let it drop. I'm a blurter, its lacking.
I wish I was more gutsy (if that's the right word for it) with the way that I dress. Shallow as it may sound. there are things that I covet in others but would really never put on myself... I suppose it goes deeper than that, in that I wish I was more gutsy..more free thinking? as opposed to being told what to think. I'm a follower, its lacking.
i wish all these things, on top of so many others. while at the same time being generally okay with not being that way. I am who I am, and I make no apologies for that. I simply wish I knew who that was a bit better. I’m still trying to find myself...and it’s lacking.