It wasn't supposed to be this way.
We were supposed to be together forever.
He wasn't supposed to hurt me.
He wasn't supposed to make me cry.
I should be mad at him, but I'm not.
I should hate him, but I don't.
The truth is, I still love him as much as I ever did.
And, if he asked, I would take him back in a second.
Because, this whole living without him thing.
It just hurts too much...
Sunday, June 26, 2011
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
Posted by NeuroticLover at 11:15 PM 0 comments
Friday, June 24, 2011
This song pretty much makes me weep, but it helps...
Posted by NeuroticLover at 9:30 AM 0 comments
Labels: Heartbreak.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Looks like I'm single.
I can honestly say I didn't see this coming. He said it was just too hard. I can't hate him for telling me how he really feels, but my world pretty much came crashing down around me. We were supposed to be forever, he wasn't supposed to be the one to hurt me, even though I knew if we did break up he would be the one to do it. I've never had to go through this before, and I didn't have my sister, I don't know what I would have done. I went from sad to mad really quickly, and now I just feel numb. With spurts of sad and mad. My head hurts from crying, and my face is stained with tears. I feel like I can feel my heart breaking inside my chest, and there's nothing I can do about it. I didn't think forever would end so quickly... I thought we would be the exception. I was hoping for engagement, and he was pondering dumping me. I feel like an idiot, but there were no signs. If anything he's been more loving, we've talked more, and maybe that's what hurts the most. That I was completely blindsided. I took down all my walls for him, and now they're back up, and there's more of them. And I can't see myself ever being that open with a man again. I know one thing though, I'll never do long distance again...
Posted by NeuroticLover at 1:23 PM 5 comments
Labels: Life., long distance, Sissy
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Time flies.
Posted by NeuroticLover at 1:43 AM 4 comments
Labels: Late nights, Life.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Deep Shit...
I'm so sick of this feeling. I'm sick of crying everyday, and crying myself to sleep every night. I'm sick of the stand still I'm at. I don't sleep anymore, I'm exhausted all the time. Nothing I ever do is good enough, for them, or for me. I go whole days without feeling truly happy, and if I'm being honest with myself I go two or three. And I know I sound whiny and that doesn't sound like much, but it can't be healthy. I hold myself back in everything I do. I sabotage everything I want. I have to make a conscious effort not to do so in my relationship.Some days I feel like my parents don't even like me, like its pointless to try to build our relationship back up to what it used to be. My father's never looked at me the same since he found out I was pregnant, and my mother's never understood my reasoning for anything. I love my daughter more than anything in the world, and I know they do to. But that doesn't change the fact that I betrayed their trust, that I shocked them with my actions, and that I don't know how to get things back. I'm afraid to be a real adult, get a real job and move out. Because what if I fail? What if something happens? I lose my job, can't pay my bills, and have to move back? I can play the what if game with myself all day, and I always lose! Its like I don't know how to be happy anymore. I mean I have my happy moments, and the occasional good day, but really truly happy? Its like I don't know the meaning... I don't know who I can talk to, and I don't know if it would even help. Sometimes I feel absolutely alone, and even though I know I'm not, that I'm surrounded by people most of the time. I'm terribly lonely. If I was a different kind of person I would have a drink or a smoke, my vice is writing. So I"m sorry if you made it this far, but this how I unload. This mass of insecurities and let's face it, self loathing (not to mention the fact I was crying the whole time writing this, and I already feel relieved) may be the only way I get any sleep tonight. Don't feel like you have to leave a comment, this one was just for me. I need for it to be out there. I need for it to not be inside of me anymore. It's the only step I can think to take to move forward, from where I currently am.
Posted by NeuroticLover at 11:10 PM 8 comments
Labels: Life.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Just curious.
So I was just roaming around the web, ya know dealing with the usual insomnia. And I cam across this article.
Breastfeeding in Public: A Right or a Privilege?
A mother may breastfeed her baby in any location, public or private, where the mother is otherwise authorized to be, irrespective of whether the nipple of the mother's breast is uncovered during or incidental to the breastfeeding…
Posted by NeuroticLover at 12:46 AM 3 comments
Labels: Mommy things
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Recap...on life.
Watching the dolphin show. |
Weary of the elephants. |
Excited about the giraffes. |
Playing in the water. |
Braving the rides. |
Excited about her candy. |
Loving the train ride. :) |
Posted by NeuroticLover at 11:19 PM 4 comments
Labels: BabyGirl, Family, Weekend fun