Saturday, January 30, 2010

Menopausal mood swings twenty years too early.

I really don't know what's wrong with me lately. my moods are so up and down its ridiculous. i had a good day today, mother had the baby, and i got to spend time with sister (something that happens far too seldom) we didn't really do anything but we had fun times as always. Got home to the parents in a bit of a screaming match (nice thing to do while babysitting your grandaughter) but it quickly subsided and things have been calm since. i relaxing night of playing with the baby, and watching tv after she fell asleep. turns into too much time for my brain to think, I have an overactive imagination while having no imagination at all... I don't know how I do it! Scenes play out in my head as if I'm going over a movie I've just seen. Scenes that haven't happened..that won't happen. Not even important things just everyday boring stuff...everyday boring stuff I can't seem to get away from.

I've come to the conclusion that I wish I was a lot of things I'm not..
I wish I was more artistic, and more creative. The difference? I can paint, I have a few hanging on my bedroom wall. I cannot however come up with something to’s something i envy in my best friend. The concepts she comes up with are things I simply cannot do. I'm a copier, its lacking.
I wish I was less go with the flow..the truth is I'm very opinionated and rather open about it, but when it comes down to it I'll simply put it out there, and then let it drop. I'm a blurter, its lacking.
I wish I was more gutsy (if that's the right word for it) with the way that I dress. Shallow as it may sound. there are things that I covet in others but would really never put on myself... I suppose it goes deeper than that, in that I wish I was more gutsy..more free thinking? as opposed to being told what to think. I'm a follower, its lacking.
i wish all these things, on top of so many others. while at the same time being generally okay with not being that way. I am who I am, and I make no apologies for that. I simply wish I knew who that was a bit better. I’m still trying to find myself...and it’s lacking.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Bottled Up.

All my feelings bottled up.
All wrapped up and put away,
And that's the way I used to like it.
That's the way it stayed.

But ever since you came along
I find myself breaking down the walls.
I never thought I'd be this way.
I was far too sensible
To get wrapped in,
In such emotional things!

Every thing's out there now.
How i feel and what i think.
It's pretty terrifying...
I've given you the power to break me.
And I'm doing all i can to trust in you.

All my feelings bottled up.
All wrapped up and put away
And that's the way I used to like it.
But it's not the way it stayed.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

All The Time

I sit in my room late at night,
Wide awake and wondering why.
It seems like it happens
All the time.
It seems like it happens all the time.

The first thought creeps in unannounced.
The second one follows close behind.
It kills me that i can't get you
Off my mind.
I miss you and wish you were here;
There's a fear deep down inside
That asks if that's where you
Really want to be?

Why do I have these thoughts?
Why can't I just accept,
That you wanna be with me?

I sit in my room late at night,
Wide awake and wondering why.
It seems like it happens
All the time...

Monday, January 18, 2010

The ramblings of an overemotional girlfriend...

I got to talk to boyfriend today! And it was a great talk...until he mentioned he was also talking to her, the ex. And i know he still talks to her, I see the comments she leaves, he's still friends with her brother...they were together for a long time, I understand that they're still going to talk, they're still going to see each other from time to doesn't mean I have to like it.

Its not that I don't trust him, I do! The thing is, its not in my nature to trust him, its not in my nature to love him, its not in my nature to deal with the long distance, honestly its not in my nature to have a boyfriend at all. I'm breaking all my rules for him, and I guess I'm just scared. No actually, I know I'm scared. My biggest fear is that she'll want him back...and he'll go.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Family obligations and all that...

I'll start with this, I love my family. I really do! That being said, why must I be forced to lunch with them and have birthday cake at every birthday, even for the adults? My morning in a nutshell was wake up think all I had to do today was clean house, and find out that I was expected to go to lunch with the grandparents, for cousin's birthday, and then apparently go to the grandparents house for birthday cake and what not in the evening... it’s not something I find completely necessary to do for a 25th birthday. Anyhow, that's what my day consists of, and that's what I’m going to do. Family obligations and all that, but that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it.

Meanwhile, peeps keep asking me what I want for MY birthday, and I have absolutely no idea what to tell them. "Just to have fun" gets me stupid looks, and sighs... "No alcohol" gives me quizzical looks, and "whys?" I suppose I’m no fun to shop for when giving these answers :/

bear with me...

As this is my first post I suppose I should let you know a bit about me...

Well, I am twenty years old..I turn twenty one on February 9th (woohoo!) I have a one and a half year old daughter who is absolutely adorable, and an absolute terror! I have a boyfriend whom I'm crazy about, although i don't get to see him nearly enough...long distance is not the ideal, but I fully believe he's worth it... I'm rather opiniated, although maybe not about what I should be, I'm terribly undereducated about politics, it's a problem I'm okay with for the moment. I do have a bit of a potty mouth, yay for being able to censor myself when typing :) I'm that annoying person that doesn't always punctuate properly, capitalize when I'm supposed to, and yes I do in fact use smileys! I'm pretty new to this whole blogging thing so please bear with me as I acclimate myself to things. I'll use this blog to vent my thoughts, my opinions, my songs, and my poems. Please feel free to comment your thoughts, opinions, songs, and poems as well. but please if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. I'm all up for different opinions but there's no point in being hateful or mean! I will admit that some of the stuff I write about may be inane at times but I also like to think that I can be rather witty, and meaningful at times...

so that's me in a least what i can think of at the moment.
it's rather late now so I'm off to bed, it's been a long day.