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Sunday, June 5, 2011

Deep Shit...

I'm so sick of this feeling. I'm sick of crying everyday, and crying myself to sleep every night. I'm sick of the stand still I'm at. I don't sleep anymore, I'm exhausted all the time. Nothing I ever do is good enough, for them, or for me. I go whole days without feeling truly happy, and if I'm being honest with myself I go two or three. And I know I sound whiny and that doesn't sound like much, but it can't be healthy. I hold myself back in everything I do. I sabotage everything I want. I have to make a conscious effort not to do so in my relationship.Some days I feel like my parents don't even like me, like its pointless to try to build our relationship back up to what it used to be. My father's never looked at me the same since he found out I was pregnant, and my mother's never understood my reasoning for anything. I love my daughter more than anything in the world, and I know they do to. But that doesn't change the fact that I betrayed their trust, that I shocked them with my actions, and that I don't know how to get things back. I'm afraid to be a real adult, get a real job and move out. Because what if I fail? What if something happens? I lose my job, can't pay my bills, and have to move back? I can play the what if game with myself all day, and I always lose! Its like I don't know how to be happy anymore. I mean I have my happy moments, and the occasional good day, but really truly happy? Its like I don't know the meaning... I don't know who I can talk to, and I don't know if it would even help. Sometimes I feel absolutely alone, and even though I know I'm not, that I'm surrounded by people most of the time. I'm terribly lonely. If I was a different kind of person I would have a drink or a smoke, my vice is writing. So I"m sorry if you made it this far, but this how I unload. This mass of insecurities and let's face it, self loathing (not to mention the fact I was crying the whole time writing this, and I already feel relieved) may be the only way I get any sleep tonight. Don't feel like you have to leave a comment, this one was just for me. I need for it to be out there. I need for it to not be inside of me anymore. It's the only step I can think to take to move forward, from where I currently am.

8 comments:

Raquel said...

awwww i'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling like this :( I've felt like this before and it is sooo not fun. My mom and i have been having a really bad relationship for so long and sometimes i just feel like she doesn't even love me or care about me. It's really hard and awful to feel like that. Keep your head up high girly. Be positive and good things will come :)

Kathy S said...

Writing is definitely a better/healthier vice than drinking or smoking so don't feel bad :)

Rachit said...

I know how much bad you might be feeling right now. But than, you have to move on, life moves on dear. So instead of sticking to your past try to do good to your future by promising to not commit the same mistake again. You will finally succeed in your life :)

Bella said...

Oh, darling! I know exactly how you feel. I have had plenty of those days to know it is just a passing phase. Sometimes it is hard to remember that when you are in the middle of such emotional fuckery.

All I can say is, just do it. (Nike, please don't sue me! :P) Do not be afraid of failure. Sometimes things work out; sometimes they don't. Just know that even if something does not work out it does not mean that you are a failure. Remember that. You are not a failure. Even though you are doing your darndest to do something proactive and positive, sometimes forces beyond your control thwart that. Just do your best.

I turn to the Serenity prayer in times like these. I am sure you have heard of it before, but I will post it anyway:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."

This too shall pass. You will be OK. *hugs*

NeuroticLover said...

Thank you all for your sweet words! It really means a lot to me that you would take the time out of your day. :) This post was my breakdown moment, as I was writing I was realizing. Half of the things I was typing I hadn't realized were bothering me until I typed it. I suppose we all go through this, have these phases. Its already not as bad as it was that night. And I truly am grateful for your words!

Raquel, thank your for the advice. Being positive really is the only way things will get better.

Rachit, you're absolutely right, there's no sense in living in the past.

Bella, thank you so much! Really, your words were exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you for reminding me of the serenity prayer, because yes, I do know it, but it never hurts to be reminded! I need to remember to pray when I get to feeling this way, and maybe I wouldn't get to feeling this way as often!

Anyway, this is way longer than I anticipated it being, but I just wanted to say thank you to you all!! And I really do mean it!

Cara S. said...

So I just happen to stumble on your blog...I don't know much of your story but from reading this post I can tell you that I have been there, I know these feelings, and I KNOW it is not easy. I had my son at 20 and it was hard. Really hard, and I too had many, MANY days where I felt like this. The good news is first I am so glad you are able to unload on your blog. It is very good for you to do that, second just know that it WILL get better...and days like this will come farther and farther apart. Email me anytime if you want.

Sean Marie said...

Remember we're all here to support you, even if it is just in the virtual world. Most of us have been there too, I know I have. Finding a coping mechanism is important and you have that down. I think you should take a plunge and don't be afraid to fail.

NeuroticLover said...

Thanks for your sweet words! I try to keep all those things in mind.